Comment Articles

Fees fly; foes done

Rupert Goodwins AnchorDesk

Published: 21 Nov 2001 16:38 GMT

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, where the beer was golden and the prawns leaped gladly onto barbies from Darwin to Sydney, there was a plucky villager. Sitting on his dunny one day, thinking about the all the poor kids who'd never even seen a Windows error message, he had a bright idea. "Why not get all the old computers from companies that don't want them any more", he thought, "and give them to the schoolkids so they can acquire valuable IT skills."

He set out on his mission. From shabby office to marble foyer he went, and the people everywhere were dead keen. "Goodonya, mate!" they cried, putting PC after PC onto the back of his pickup and waving him on his way. The teachers of this distant land were also happy: "Goodonya, mate!" they shouted as he came into view.

But there was a problem. The computers were full of software from the donating companies, which wasn't what the kiddywinks needed -- and besides, nobody wanted 13 year olds looking at everyone's bank records. So the plucky villager reformatted all the hard disks. And, because the computers were old and wouldn't run the latest software, he put the operating systems of the ancient ones -- Windows 3.11 and 95 -- on them.

Everyone was happy. Until a shadow fell over the land, and an enormous roar was heard. The eucalyptus trees shook so hard that the koalas fell into the beers of those below. It was the Evil Giant! "WHO IS STEALING ALL MY MONEY?" he shouted. The people scattered, but the plucky villager stood his ground. "We're not stealing," he said. "It's old software you can't even buy any more."

With one clap of his enormous hands, the giant summoned flocks of lawyers so vast that the sky darkened. "I DON'T WANT TO SELL YOU THAT SOFTWARE," he said. "BUY NEW SOFTWARE." "But the computers are too old and feeble to run that," said the villager, noting gratefully that the people were forming a lynch mob behind him. "BUT THINK OF THE KIDS" yelled the giant. "YOU CAN'T MAKE THEM USE OLD KIT. THEY WON'T GET THE MOST FULFILLING EXPERIENCE."

This was too much for the people, who could barely stomach being told what to do by the giant in any case. Having it coated in marketing nonsense made them heave and chunder, to the great distress of those koalas which hadn't made it back into the trees yet. And there fell upon the land a vast bickering, which to some extent continues to this day.

Now, let's move on.